Girl, take a seat. Oh gentlemen, you too.  We need to talk.

Our world has shifted. I see you nodding your head. That statement covers a wide cast of things, doesn’t it? In this perspective, let’s talk about criticism.

Wait. Wait. Take a deep breath.

Even uttering the word criticism gives some a stomachache. I get it. Between toxic relationships, high-stress work environments, social media, and what appears to be a blanketed open dialogue of many not caring how we affect others, many feel pelted by wave after wave of criticism, both online and off. The truth is negativity and personally directly complaints seem to pop up everywhere. While some criticism can be helpful, let’s face it, it can feel like a slap in the face. It can ruin your day, or even your week, and seriously shake your self-esteem. Often those feelings leave many wrestling with losing their empowerment and self-esteem. Truthfully, nothing is worth that much upset. That’s why we must get a handle on it—now.

What’s important to note is how we experience criticism often comes down to who we are receiving the critique from, how it is said, what the criticism is about, and, ultimately, our reaction. How many times have I said that often our responses are worse than the initial moment? Far too many, but it’s the truth. Our reaction to criticism can lead us into a negative cycle of anger, resentment, withdrawal, stress, anxiety, complaint, and then we find ourselves criticizing others. 

Add that to the fact that criticism comes in many forms—constructive, destructive, irrelevant, directly at the self…the list goes on. Before you throw your hands up and declare there’s no healthy way to handle this irritation in life, let me remind you, we have the power to decide what works for us and what doesn’t. It’s within that power we must learn to handle feedback.

Let’s first clarify the definition of criticism before we dig into how to handle its influence. Being mindful of these critical pieces helps us shift out of what potentially becomes the destructive mode and helps us continually align with what works best for us, individually. At its most basic, criticism is the disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. Keep in mind, the word perceived is the most crucial factor of this definition. Perceiving something is nothing more than an opinion. It’s how we evaluate people, our experiences, our surroundings—it’s a thought. How do thoughts work? Something occurs around us, and we take it in. We determine the situation as good or bad, based on our beliefs and experiences. From there, we weigh how this may affect us, and then we pass judgment. That’s it. How we perceive something, just like a thought, does not make it the truth. With this mindset, wouldn’t it make sense that we have the power to change our relationships with criticism, just as we do thought?

The answer is yes! We can face criticism without damaging our feelings, self-esteem, or even our lookout. But how?

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF CRITICISM

It’s important to discern between destructive, constructive, and irrelevant criticism. I’ll leave self-criticism off the table for today. Most of us understand what that is, and honestly, it’s an entirely different subject to tackle.

Destructive criticism is criticism given with the intent to insult, harm, or break someone’s self-esteem. It’s often an unnecessary power move and the type that can be malicious, hurtful, and of course, as the name implies, destructive. A constant flow of destructive criticism can lead to depression, anger, and aggression if it’s not dealt with properly. Abusive relationships, wherever they occur, are generally filled with this method of personal attack.

Constructive criticism is often misunderstood. Because we are often bombarded with negatives, we often fail to listen to someone’s real intent. Constructive criticism is the process of offering honest, valid, and well-reasoned opinions, both positive and negative, that are meant to help improve the outcome of a situation. Giving and receiving constructive criticism is important because it has the potential to be the gateway for and to growth. When delivered right, it can increase our chances of success.

Irrelevant criticism is best when ignored. Some individuals are so critical of anything and everything that they throw invalid comments at nearly every situation and call it “advice.” These people are unaware of themselves and simply do not deserve a reaction, whether verbal or emotional.

OUR BIG MISTAKES:      

The biggest mistake we make when it comes to criticism is simple—we take it too personally. Remember, criticism is perceived. It’s the basis of someone’s thoughts. Having a significant emotional reaction is giving into the perception. If we are not grounded within ourselves through self-love and self-acceptance and are not focused on creating our best self and life, it’s easy to take offense to the things that come into our space. When we learn to stop taking everything personally, outside negativity becomes far less of a problem. Clarify the perception in a grounded and truthful way and determine whether the critique is helpful, harmful, or worthy of another thought.

The second mistake we make is we forget that negative criticism tends to reflect more about the person offering the negativity than it does about us. We respond to the world based on how we feel, think, our experiences… Which means it is always necessary to consider the source. It’s important to ask yourself three fundamental questions. 1. Is the person offering a perspective of my life, work, or contribution someone I trust? 2. Do I find merit within the way they live their own life? 3. Are their words a true reflection of me?

The third mistake is our focus. We tend to focus on the “how” something is said rather than the “what” is said. Critical people are generally unaware, which means they are often clueless about the weight of their words or their actual impact. Begin asking yourself: What is this person trying to say? Why are they saying it? Are these words worthy of my time and attention? When we move outside of the “how” and into the “what,” we tend to find intent.

The fourth mistake is a big one! We often immediately react instead of reflecting. When our feelings are hurt, we tend to succumb to the temptation to lash out and back. Remember, not all criticism is destructive. Some can provide helpful feedback. Just as criticism speaks to someone’s beliefs and inner feelings, we must also go inward to ask ourselves why we are bothered by the critiques that come into our lives. Instead of immediately reacting, it’s better to ask, is there something I can learn? Is there something in the statement that rings true that I’ve yet to address? Am I dealing with the feeling of failure and fear? These questions help us reflect, de-escalate an immediate response, keep our self-esteem in balance, and identify the type of critic we are experiencing.

At least for our list today, the final mistake is if you ask for advice, we must leave space for others to share their honest opinions. Simply put, don’t ask for advice if you don’t want to hear someone else’s perception. See how I didn’t say if you don’t want to hear the truth, I said perception. Many have the habit of asking for advice from critical friends, parents, partners, bosses, and then become highly offended by what is offered. Ask yourself, what am I seeking from this person? Am I continually subjecting myself to criticism? Many do not realize that seeking approval leads to reduced life satisfaction. You have the power to think for yourself, make wise and grounded decisions, and healthily move through your life.

IF WE CAN’T REMOVE CRITICISM, HOW CAN WE HANDLE IT MORE EFFECTIVELY?  

Know that failing is part of growing. Criticism often finds its way in when we experience perceived failure. How can we grow if we do not share in moments that show us what we do not want? It’s called contrast. While someone may have strong feelings on how you perform or what you’ve done, remember, what matters is that you allow yourself room to learn, start over, and ultimately thrive. You are not perfect, my dear. When we admit this to ourselves, we see criticism for what it is—an opinion that can be validated or released. 

Remember, your self-worth is not determined by someone else’s opinion. At least, it shouldn’t be. Your worth should always be determined by your intentions, your actions, and your personal self-beliefs. If your worth is tied to what others think, it’s time to do some heavy well-intended growth work.

Take a break from negative/critical people. We must give ourselves permission to take breaks when necessary. Sometimes by reducing contact, limiting conversations, and taking time to determine our feelings, we allow ourselves time to reset. Other times, it shows us where it’s time to move forward without the connection.

Be a thinker—always.  Consider the source and the perceived value of any criticism.  

Evaluate what’s worth a conversation and what’s worth ignoring.

Be grateful for new perspectives, but only take on what works for you.

Stay calm, refuse to react, and release resentment.

Stand your ground; if something doesn’t work for you, do not allow it to determine you. 

Believe in yourself and your abilities.

Ultimately, we may not be able to change others’ behavior, but we can always change our response. Use feedback to your benefit; trash the rest. You are in charge of your life. This is just one way to get it together. Are you ready to change your relationship with criticism?

Danielle A. Vann is a 19-time international award-winning author, a certified Life Coach with a specialty certification in mindfulness, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner, and a certified meditation coach. She is also the creator and voice behind Get Your Life Together, Girl. To learn more, visit the bio page, and follow @Getyourlifetogethergirl on Instagram.

Copyright of Author Danielle A. Vann 2020