If you ask me what the first step to getting your life together is, I will unwaveringly tell you that everything starts with leaning into and working toward healing. If you just groaned, trust me, you aren’t alone. The minute I utter the word “healing”, a large majority of people shut down. Why? Because it requires work, challenging, sometimes grueling work. There’s risk involved. It can change and even break relationships. Ultimately, it demands us to risk feeling—which if you just say “feel” or even “heal”—one could argue those are four-letter words.

All jokes aside, healing is complicated because most of us are not taught how to properly heal, when needed. It’s not like most of us are given useable, fundamental knowledge to move through our experiences in a healthy and grounded manner, whether in our childhood homes or within the education system. As adults, there is a wealth of “knowledge” at our fingertips, but even that has its limits. I mean, have you ever Googled the word healing? If you haven’t, don’t do it now! The sheer number of hits will make your head spin, and the endless rabbit hole reading will drive you mad.

Here’s why: What you find on Google often devalues two fundamental truths. Number one, by large, the “how-to,” “do this, do that,” “checklist” culture of social media and the world wide web, in regards to healing and our emotions, simply does not work because of its structure. If it did, we would have a world of happy, healed, and thriving humans. That’s not entirely the case, now is it? The reason why this formula does not work is that it is not individualized for our personal experiences. It takes away the idea that each individual must do what works for them, within their unique circumstances. Parameters and techniques for healing can be offered, but it all comes back to what works for the individual. Number two, healing is never a linear process; meaning, it’s never a straight-line. We have to bend and make changes as new emotional information is discovered and occurs. This means healing is, in fact, as individual as the person seeking it. Thus, creating a circle back to why the checklist method does not work.

This realization frustrates the hell out of people. I get it. We all want answers. We want the gold standard of rules and instructions so we can move on. And when I say, “Healing is a process,” it never seems to fail that the next natural question sounds something like: “If there’s not a straight-line process, then can you tell me how long it should take to get over this break-up, a significant death, a job loss, trauma…” This question requires me to pause once again because I know the answer will not be well-received. “No one can give you an answer as to how long it takes to heal. There is absolutely no measure of “should” when it comes to healing.”

Does that mean healing is an endless and hopeless process? Absolutely not! It means you must understand the process to move through the process. The act of healing depends on so many factors—how deep the trauma of the situation was/is, how deep-seated the coping skills are that you’ve developed to avoid/deal with the trauma, and how willing you are to meet yourself in the healing process. That last one is honestly the one factor that trips most people up. Healing demands we level up, lean in, and sometimes battle until we break through to the other side of our inner pain and emotions.

If you are willing to engage your life, the situation, and all the walls, barriers, and coping skills you’ve adopted, healing can absolutely be yours. It’s essential to know that when hard things or trauma occur, there are several common reactions. Understanding this helps remind us that we are not alone in our responses.

The common reactions are:

Fear and anxiety—we often find ourselves reliving the experience. We become fearful and anxious about and for what will come next—even if we do not have evidence of something more occurring.

Increased or decreased energy—often, we find ourselves unsure of what to do. If we are people who over-function in experiences (work to create control where little exists and try to bulldoze our way through an experience), we can move into hyperaction. If we are the under-functioning type (take ourselves out of the arena when hard things happen), we can find ourselves moving toward negativity in a much more rapid way. Both are a detriment to our emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental balance.

Avoidance—which many call ‘depression,’ ‘numbness,’ or even ‘shame.’ We often work to turn off our emotions because we tell ourselves it’s easier to feel nothing than it is to feel bad. The issue here is emotions are perfectly happy to lie in wait. Avoidance never works long-term.

Grief, Shame, Guilt, and even Self-abuse—these are not abnormal feelings as they are at the root of most issues that need to be healed and are the drivers of forgiveness.

These are just a few signs that healing is needed, but are important factors to understand. You see, the healing process asks us to acknowledge and face our circumstances while we learn to create a new way for ourselves. Our most significant and challenging experiences have the power to positively or negatively change us because of how we process them. Once you recognize these factors are in play, it’s time to ask, where do I start to move into the individual healing process?

The healing process:

What follows are the individual pieces used to achieve true healing. This is not a step-by-step ordered process. Use what works and makes the most sense for and to you. What’s most important is the leaning in and willingness to engage with yourself.

We start by recognizing that there is nothing wrong with you. This is a huge step as it works to eliminate that nasty word ‘why.’ How many times have you asked yourself, “Why me?” “What is wrong with me that this situation or bad things continue to happen?” Or, “How could I have let this happen?” Things happen—we all break. We all mess up. We all experience brokenness because of the actions of others. Like it or not, it’s a part of our development in this journey called life, and it’s an essential tool in our learning and growth. No one is above their humanness.

From there, we can begin to take our power back.

To heal, it’s important to accept and acknowledge where you are. Look at the situation at hand and ask yourself, “What is the real problem?” Look at that sentence. It does not say, “What do I feel the real problem is?” What you are seeking to understand are the facts. Facts look and sound like: This occurred, and I responded this way. Facts. Then, this happened, and I reacted this way. Facts.

The facts are where we begin to understand the scope of any situation without dirtying it with feelings. Why is this needed? Feelings are not facts. They are not necessarily based on or in truth. Feelings are impulses, imprints of our individual beliefs, thoughts, and perspectives—again, all of which are not entirely fact-based. Think of it this way—feeling fearful means something different to me than it does to you, because we’ve had different life experiences and hold different perspectives.

If you still struggle with drilling into the facts, switch the question. Ask: “How did I arrive here?” With the answer in hand, then ask, “Where do I want to go now?” Again, look to the question. It doesn’t say, “Where do I feel I want to go now?” These fact-driven questions are far better direction pointers than the open-ended question of why or being solely guided by our emotional reactions.  

Once the facts are established, it’s time to be open and honest with yourself. This is the place where most people abandon healing. It’s here that it becomes risky and heavy. It’s here that’s important to ask yourself, “What is my role in this situation?” “What is my responsibility?” It’s easy to assign blame to someone else while limiting our personal ownership, but doing so gives away our power. If we continue to blame, it requires the other party to take action for our healing to truly begin. Until we release blame, there cannot be freedom. I personally refuse to allow someone’s decisions to dictate my level of emotional health. I’m sure you feel the same.

From here, it’s time to honor your emotions. It’s nearly impossible to reach this place until we understand the facts. The facts help us understand the impact of our feelings and what they are trying to show us. Within this, it’s far easier to witness the impulses, the “feelings” you feel. Validating each emotion present shows us the particular lesson each emotion has been working to handle over. Think about it. Fear and anger are excellent teachers of boundaries. Feelings of happiness show us our likes and desires. Feeling worried can help establish what we find important or where we’ve tied value in our lives. If you feel afraid you will lose a particular relationship, you could witness that you value the relationship. Emotions do teach; it’s our job to listen. You may find it helpful to write down the feelings and what value you’ve assigned to the emotion while doing the heavy work of healing.

This will help you answer the next valuable and pertinent question. “What is my truth?” Meaning, what is the truth of the situation now? If you have done the work, the reality of the situation is likely to be quite different than when you first began this process. Asking this question helps us make meaning out of the experience—there is always meaning. It also directs us to what we’ve learned. What we’ve learned guides us to establish new behaviors and boundaries. Without understanding the facts, the emotional impact, and moving these new understandings into grounded and helpful behaviors, we will continue to struggle to release, reset, and redirect ourselves productively.

Lastly, it becomes essential to look for roadblocks—places and emotions that you may respond to in a way that doesn’t benefit you or the healing work you’ve done. When we have challenging experiences, we anchor the moment. Read about emotional anchoring here. If you look for roadblocks ahead of time and establish grounded reactions before another experience happens, it will help you when emotional tests occur. This is not the same as forecasting how something will happen. This is simply setting guidelines for yourself. Such as: if I find myself in a heated moment with this person, instead of reacting in anger, I will allow myself two days before I respond. If the person is in front of me, I will offer a line of reasoning such as: “I see and feel your upset. I’m going to take time to think about how I feel and the facts before I respond.” It may feel impossible to hold this kind of space for yourself, but it’s not. It simply requires practice.

 You are most likely now starting to see why healing is so individual and the “do this, do that” culture actually does not work. It all comes back to you, how you show up, and at what level you put healthy practices in place. However, if you do so choose to be guided in this process, once you’ve gone through the experience, you may ask: “How do I know if I am healing?” Here are a few signs to show you that you are on the right track:

1.     You are able to accept your experience, instead of pushing it away.

2.     You can experience your emotions and make them work for you.

3.     What scared you before becomes acceptable and manageable.

4.     You begin to make changes.

5.     You understand that there is something more for you than brokenness.

6.     You find yourself talking about your happiness, instead of your suffering.

7.     The physical symptoms begin to ease—the pain in your body, the emptiness, sleepiness, etc.

8.     You find yourself enjoying your life.

 WRAPPING UP:

Healing is a journey, just as all of your experiences are a journey. When we take a journey and look back, we soon realize what we’ve gained, what has changed, and often can extract what we would do differently next time. This is healing, at its most basic. We must learn to witness it as such and heal independently. Doing so allows us to find our feet and emotional balance before we try to mend relationships and situations in our lives. It really does come back to you and what works for you, not against you. The question is: Are you ready to take the next step?

Danielle A. Vann is a 19-time international award-winning author, a certified Life Coach with a specialty certification in mindfulness, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, a certified Advanced Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner, and a certified meditation coach. She is also the creator behind Get Your Life Together, Girl. To learn more, visit the bio page, and follow @Getyourlifetogethergirl on Instagram.

Copyright of Author Danielle A. Vann 2020