Are You The Master Of Your Emotions? Or Are Your Emotions The Master Of You?

A thought-provoking mindful exercise

Have you ever felt stuck?

Please don’t spit out your coffee trying to answer.

Oh, and it’s okay to put your hand down now, too…

Listen, it’s a hard yes for all of us.

In all seriousness, we have all experienced things that have caused us to feel like we can’t move forward. Stuck is a mindset connected to our thoughts, and it’s one that keeps us from actively being within personal growth. Which leads me to ask, are you the master of your emotions? Or, are you mastered by your emotions?

At its most basic definition, emotions are nothing but a bunch of signals, impulses, if you will, that aid in our survival. Sure, it’s more complicated than that, but let’s work within these boundaries to point ourselves toward emotional mastery. Think about it. Emotions help us monitor our social behavior and interactions. They are notes to tell us where to let go or engage. Anger tells us what needs to be healed. Anxiety and sadness show where judgment is being held. Bitterness and separations point out where imbalances lie. Disappointment and lack clue us into where there is an opportunity for growth and change. Shame and depression begin to identify distant and deficient personal connections. Joy works to clue us into our happiness and helps us determine our individual state of fulfillment. The list goes on. Everything has an opposite.

The most significant problem is emotions get a bad rap because we use them as rules to evaluate our experiences. Emotions are not rules. They are standards and guides used to measure the world around us and the world within us. You can’t go to the store and purchase a bag of happiness. That’s why the saying “Money can’t buy you happiness” exists. Right?

Here’s where the thought-provoking exercise comes in.

Are you ready?

Okay, good. Let’s play a little game. Pick an emotion. It doesn’t matter what it is. Got it? Keep in your mind. You’ll need to engage your imagination for this one.

Now, view that emotion as if it were a single breath.

Now, visualize a small room. Hold the space in your mind and take a slow, deep, all-encompassing breath. Once your lungs are filled, slowly exhale and push the air from your lungs to fill the room. Good. Now release and return to breathing normally.

With your breath being the emotion, what filled the space?

Let’s say you selected anger. Would you walk into a room filled with bitterness and willingly gulp in the painful burn of anger? Let’s exchange the emotion. Your breath is now the emotion of joy. Breathe that into the small room. Wouldn’t you rather inhale the excitement, fulfillment, and beauty of joy? By now, I’m sure you’ve gotten the point.

 The small room you visualized is your body. What emotions would you rather have within your space, positive or negative? When negative emotion rises within, ask yourself: what is this trying to direct my attention to? Do I want this to fill my room? Are my feelings working to be my master? When we have your answer, take a moment to breathe. Check-in. Hold space for yourself and make sure that what’s asking for your attention is worthy of filling your entire body. If we let them, our emotions can own us.  

 Let’s get something straight. If you are unable to control your emotions, it will be challenging, if not impossible, to fully experience a life that is together. Emotions are to be mastered and should not be your master.

Think about the basics of emotions again, which is an impulse. Would you honestly allow an instinct, a whim, an adverse reaction rule your life, even if it is only for a short time? Just like your thoughts, you have the power to choose your feelings, and only you hold the ultimate decision as to what you let in. When a moment rises that is working to offer you contrast (what you do not want), remember that the experience does not create the emotion you feel. It’s your thoughts and attachment to the outcome that creates the feeling. That is where your choice lies. 

When you are operating and making choices from high emotional intelligence, you will find yourself exercising care within your words, actions, and reactions. You will almost automatically shift your thinking and subconsciously ask yourself the question, “Is this what I want in my room?”  You will be decisive, clear with your boundaries, and supportive of your best emotional health.

When you are the master of your emotions, you will find stability, patience, and a willingness to listen. Moreover, recognition of your moods and emotions will shift and lock into place through this new self-awareness. The ability to control, redirect, and suspend judgment to think before acting will build integrity and create an openness to all emotional experiences. A person with higher emotional intelligence sees “tough” experiences as teachers—moments that are for them and not against them—and leans on optimism instead of failure. Their ability to understand emotions even creates empathy.

 Perhaps you are saying, that sounds brilliant, but how do you get there?

Try these five easy steps, in order, to see if they work for you.

When an experience presents itself, good or bad, actively engage.

First: See the emotion. Feel it. Tune into it. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? Is this what I want to fill my room?”

Second: Get mindfully curious and identify what is filling your space. Accurately label the emotion. Is it fear, sadness, love, peace…? Ask, “What is the emotion trying to tell me? What is the experience that has created this feeling? Can I remove the emotion and boil it down to just the facts? Is this something I can avoid, change, keep going, or recreate in/for the future? Is there an emotional opposite that would better serve me?”

Third: Accept the emotion. Denying your feelings does not remove the problem; it only delays the outcome.

Fourth: Dig in and understand that this is just a moment. The quickest way to move through any emotion is to accept that it is temporary. Everything changes—including situations, emotions, and feelings that work for our acknowledgment, good and bad.

Fifth: Take action and be open to the outcome. The need to control every outcome quickly creates negative emotions. Control is the bedfellow of fear and anxiety. Instead, move toward resolution or reframe your feelings.

 IN CONCLUSION, creating and living within a high emotional intelligence does take practice, but practice makes progress. That progress includes the power to watch for the negatives that try to fill your room. It also comes from relaxing into better emotional thoughts and feelings. You are meant to be the master. The better you feel, the better you are.

Danielle A. Vann is a 19-time international award-winning author, a certified Life Coach with a specialty certification in Mindfulness, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner, and a certified meditation coach. She is also the creator and voice behind Get Your Life Together, Girl. To learn more, visit the bio page, and follow @Getyourlifetogethergirl on Instagram.