Epi 75: The Truth Behind People-Pleasing
We all want to be liked and loved—it’s a natural part of our desire and need for human connection. In fact, from the moment we are born, we begin seeking connection. However, while this desire is innate, there can be a tipping point where being liked and loved turns into seeking approval and validation through the assurance of others.
We all have that one friend, or maybe you are that friend, that appears to be quote “big-hearted,” always eager to lend a hand, and wants everyone around them to thrive, be happy, and fulfilled, even if it comes at their detriment.
This kind of connection seeking is a hallmark trait of people-pleasing. And today, we are taking a one-on-one deep dive into the truth behind people-pleasing, how it often begins, the cycle of attachment, and how we break up with the need to seek validation outside of ourselves.
So, let’s shift our perspective and ability to be who we are regardless of our past or others’ good opinions.
Key Takeaways:
00:00 Introduction
01:36 Do you struggle with people-pleasing?
04:00 A standard definition of people-pleasing
04:21 Common traits of people-pleasers
07:10 We must unpack the root of people-pleasing behavior – it’s an adaptive mechanism for our safety
13:29 The cycle of attachment and how this comes into play with please-pleasing: Needs, Expression of Emotions, Gratification, and Trust
15:58 Your brain will always look for the safest route in your thoughts, feelings, and actions
16:38 How the attachment cycle can hurt us when we people-please
19:30 The negative impacts of people-pleasing: self-betrayal, higher stress, anxiety, and so much more
22:40 We can break our relationships by not honoring our personal needs
25:11 Emotional health is essential, and people-pleasing puts you in a mental cage
27:07 We are all required to meet our own needs
28:15 Step 1: Acknowledgement will always lead to change
29:54 Step 2: Self-compassion and release of judgment
31:25 An exercise for people-pleasing ourselves when we are in the negative happen of doing it for everyone else
33:08 Step 3: Looking at what triggers you into “helpful behavior” or if it’s from a learned behavior habit – getting into the “why”
34:26 Step 4: Look at our daily practices and how we show up. Engaging in the pause and rejecting the automatic yes
35:31 Step 5: The questions to ask ourselves when we find ourselves wanting to jump in for others
37:08 Step 6: Practicing honesty in complete authenticity
40:09 Step 7: Gauge the people you keep close
42:21 There is some trauma work that cannot be done alone. Reach out and seek help. Sessions with me can be found: One-on-One Sessions — Danielle A. Vann (danielleavann.com)
44:20 The biggest question to ask yourself: What need am I trying to fulfill for others that I’m unwilling to meet for myself?
If you want to get your life together, you have to get serious about what you need and desire, and then work to shift the behaviors set in place so long ago. I dare you to be brave enough to do the work, and it’s an essential step into getting your life together, girl.
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Until next time…be kind to yourself and others.