Let’s face it; relationships can be hard. This is especially true when we are talking about long-term, romantic relationships. When we know our partners intimately, we often tend to forecast or assume we know what they are thinking, how they will respond, what they need, want, like, you get it, all the things. Yet, that assumption or lack of discovery questions is where we first trip up and cause our own problems.

Davida from Puerto Rico wrote, “Danielle, I’ve been married for twenty-one years. We love and respect one another. However, I’ve noticed in the last two years that our communication has changed. We both have grown so much individually and within our marriage. We both consider our marriage to be solid, but we’ve begun to notice minor disagreements on things like doing the dishes or what time our oldest child has to be home are turning into bigger issues than they should be. Is there something we can do to help guide one another through these moments? I find myself mad at him and want him to respond differently. He becomes mad at me. Sometimes we talk it out. Sometimes it sits and waits for a few days. It’s not a healthy cycle. What do you suggest?”

One of the most significant issues we have when communicating comes down to assumption! If we assume what someone else is thinking because we have a standard set of evidence that this is how someone responded in the past, we take away the “right now” factor.

What does that mean?

“Right now” factors are where you are in your mindset, what is occuring in the emotional body, what’s in the thought , these are the right now factors.

 So, how can we turn a moment like getting upset about the dishes not being done into a moment of discovery and importance?

 First, we ask questions to gather the “right now” information.

These are right now factors—the things that ALTER how you may or may not show up in a moment.

 It’s here you will often hear the “right now” factors that lead to the frustration you are both experiencing at the moment.  

 You can also employ the scale of importance. This is where a conversation and understanding of this tool is needed for both parties or it may get lost in translation.

 What is the scale of importance?

Think of it as a survey of emotions and feelings, even thoughts, and how you and someone else sees a moment.

 When you have a pre-set scale definition with your partner, you can quickly move through this and understand how important something is without having to do much in the way of discovery questions.

How do we get there?

Sit down with your partner. Take a piece of paper and write out a scale from 1 to 10. Next to each number, come up with a definition of what that number means to you.

Number 1 may mean it’s not essential, just a topic of conversation.

Ten may mean the world is on fire, and something must be handled right now.

Five could be, “Hey, I’m putting it out there, and we need to handle or talk about this, but it isn’t immediate.”

When it comes to emotions, we can also give ourselves definitions to operate from.

 1 I’m good. No support is needed.

10 is I’m not okay in the present moment.

This may feel like a relatedly small tool, but using this truly has a way to reset any moment. And if we allow ourselves to reset a moment, we keep ourselves in a good head space.

 Davida, thank you for your question. I hope this helps ease the stain in your communication. Again, it’s simple, but this tool packs a ton of power! I hope this works for all that put it into practice!

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